the finest mofo this side of the west side (vicariance) wrote,
the finest mofo this side of the west side

My epic dialogue with an old friend

Short backstory
A few weeks ago, I had an incredible encounter with Amber, a girl I had met a couple times before at Julien's place, but one of us was distracted the other times. This time, we embraced, looked into each others eyes, and it felt like I could see a glimmer into the truth of the universe. Like we were two cosmic beings cris-crossing and by the crash broke through each others glamour of a mortal coil for a few infinite moments.

I told Julien about this encounter, all a-flutter, and he gave me her phone number.

A few days later, I ran into Amber again and she told me that Julien had told her I was trying to control her mind. What the fuck? I told her that was ridiculous and I think she believed me, but then the next time I could see Julien I confronted him about it.
Yo! Why'd you talk shit about me to Amber?
His reply shocked my pants off:
I don't LIKE you, Mills. I think you're toxic. You poison people!
things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!

The next day I texted him, and began an unbelievably weird conversation

You broke my heart yesterday.

I am sorry that this is news for you. I thought I explained this directly to you countless times. Beginning back when we lived together, but ultimately when you and Emily hooked up. I thought this was known information. I absolutely hate it when people don't care about things in general, but the Earth specifically. I told Emily not to be with you because you were toxic and you would sicken her. I have felt this way for a long time. I'm sorry it wasn 't addressed sooner.

not as sorry as I am. You're a dissembler. I am sickened. I guess that makes YOU toxic.

Mills, I Do care for you. I care about you. It seems that it is my opinions, and others that you don't care about. I have expressed my opinion about your way of functions of philosophy ever since the beginning. You and I are known (by the few who know) to not talk when we hang out, but bicker.

Your understanding of me is flawed to the point of insanity. I care more about people than anyone I've ever met. Love is my central motivation in life. I have cared about your opinions and have always listened so I could discuss with you and debate with you, and by this, we both grow and learn. I thought you felt the same.
I never thought of our debates as bickering. I thought of them as exquisitely enjoyable mental adventures. admittedly, before you left for california, you were becoming something of a zealot, and our arguments were heated and I would say we didn't get along then, but when you came back, you were a much more balanced person, and I've enjoyed every interaction we've had since then. Until yesterday.

You listened to me and I listened to you. We both disagreed and had "exquisitely enjoyable mental adventures". We have both grown. I agree with that. You are proving my point, you don't care about my opinions. You think you are far superior than everyone else. Lol, I wasn't much different when I came back from my California trip. Not at all. And here... I was the one who was different, you are so perfect. I became a more balanced person. Because I was the one who had an "adventure" to California. There's no room where you could have changed from my absence. Or changed from something else.

I am not proving your point. By disagreeing with you, I do not show that I do not care. On the contrary, I give you the respect of my attention. I am superior to most, absolutely, but I do not treat those I love as though they are beneath me, because they are not. I care about the strengths that are specific to each person. It saddens me to think that you see me differently.

That is ridiculous. Because you went to california you had the chance to grow, but I stagnated? I was in hibernation? Dude, I am constantly changing, like everyone else.

Here mills you are trying to find a reason to not be sad about me. You are trying to make me say something dumb or insane in your little mind, so you ca n put me in box in ur mind. Upon putting me in this box, I won't matter. I'm just another stupid ant crawling around you. No I am saying u think because I went to Cali I had the growth.

I am not trying to trick you into being dumb. I'm trying to make you see me correctly.
of course it wasn't BECAUSE you went to cali that you grew, all I knew is that when you came back, you were alot more even tempered. You listened to me and it make our conversations enjoyable again. I'll be around if you ever decide that I am not horrible. I will always love you.

You would convince me by being different. Not different than how you believe yourself to be. Differently than how you actually are. I will always love you too. It's not a matter of you tricking me into being dumb you arrogant man. You would perceive something I say to be dumb or irrational. Therefore I am disc redited. This is one of the boxes you create. A Discredit box. But! It is how you choose to put the information of discrediting. I guess the box bef ore the discredit box. The determining box.

I don't discredit you. I see the truth through my eyes, and you see it through yours. Communication is about coming to a common ground, about pointing out things that the other has not seen, or has seen from a different angle. The only things you say that I vehemently dismiss are when you try to tell me who I am. Which you do alot.
And to criticize me for being arrogant is hypocritical. You are profoundly arrogant as well. You think you see the world far more clearly than others.
enough that you feel that you can tell me who I am, and how WRONG it is to be that.

Hmm, I guess I ignorantly used the word arrogant, but that is how I feel you are a lot of the time. I say arrogant because you refuse to try and accept new information due to the old information you have acquired. What is what Mills? Now, I will try to rationalize my "seeing the world far more clearly ." I like to put pieces together as everyone else. I do not think about myself as being smarter or seeing something more in focus. I of course have my way of functioning and as an animal we have these habits and ways of learning. Through this some people get caught in these seemingly obvious drafts. Some folk caught in a different draft than another. I am caught in drafts as well. I am not godly. I don't see everyone as being lower than me. If so meone give me information I already know I go with them on that Information and do not judge them based on some superficial conversation or two. I judge based off of what people do. So, basing someone off something's they do... This would require being able to see what is. A battle I struggle at. I say struggle because I am always focused on seeing things as clearly as possible, but at the same time I know people see things far more clearly than I a t least 35% of the time. To say you don't discredit me is insane.

I also focus on seeing things as clearly as possible. You do see people as being lower than you, as seeing less clearly than you, otherwise you would not try to correct them, or criticize their path.
or call them fucking toxic.

Not exactly mills, as I was trying to say and didn't communicate. People are ahead of me in some spots and those same people and behind me in others. I rarely think I'm better than someone else 100% What is possible mills?

why don't you understand that i agree with you on that? Some people are ahead of me in some ways and also behind me in others. We are equals, you and I.
though I honor you for your path. You apparently think of my path as saturated with poison.

As far as the Earth goes, I think you are poisonous. If we lived on a spaceship confined by metal with no plants or other animals, I think your perfect.

my philosophy on the earth is faith that human technology will advance sufficiently to correct all the mistakes of the industrial age. I care, I just don't believe the impact that I could make by correcting things is significant enough to be relevant.
And how is my philosophy regarding the earth in any way relevant to the impact I make on people? How does my beliefs about the earth affect emily or amber, or anyone else? How does it make me toxic?

As I have said, it seems to me you have expressed biological systems are full of flaw. That doesn't give you the right to continue on with the industrial era. I have heard you say in the past 4 months how flawed our bacterial existence is.

how flawed our bacterial existence is? I don't even know what that means!

Because you feel justified by your feelings of not being able to make a difference, you function in such a manner. No amount of words would get you to understand my point of view on how you're poisonous.

I mean holy shit, do you see me as this black harbinger of ecology? With a scythe dripping herbicide slashing at plants and animals, destroying their balance?

Lol, no, I don't see you as Monsanto itself...

so you can't explain it to me? That means you have no hope I can change or improve. That is horrible.
Julien, I have never killed an animal. I have never wantonly destroyed a food bearing plant. I am a consumer yes, and I support by my patronage companies that you no doubt consider evil, but I do not support them in any other way. I do not harm the world more than most.

I know you can change and improve, you just have to want to. You have to want something.

I would be ecstatic if the world was put into a gaian state. In fact, I very clearly forsee that. I just see it happened in a different way than you. You think people should get down with neoprimitivism and set fire to the evil corporations. I think technology is the answer. We both care about the world.

You support you people. Great. Hitler supported his people. No, you are not like hitler. My point being: Because you feel justified by your feelings of not being able to make a difference, you function in such a manner. And this way of functioning is the ONLY way you can support others.

what I want, what I have always wanted, is love and respect. From you, from girls that I fall in love with. I want to be understood and appreciated, like EVERYONE.

Mills, how horribly mistaken you are. I always preach about how we has all the technology to fix our problems right now, but we ignorantly choose to con tinue in our path. I love video games I love technology.

fuck yeah.

You think I want neoprovitosm?? Lol

we do not have the technology to cleanse the air, water and earth, or to replace the industries that produce goods and power for all our needs in a non polluting way, but we will.

I think neoprimitivism is the foundation of where we start. We must understand the fundamentals we must master our fundamentals before we continue anywh ere else. Yes we do!!! We have all this technology at our hands. Ugh, how blinded you are by mass science propoganda. About energy problems...

neoprimitivism is a pipe dream. Society has been rocking the pursuit of mastering the environment, of ruling over it, for two thousand years. It is the foundation of our culture. Your way will never happen. I am a pragmatist by not following your ideals.

We have the understanding to mold a block of steel with electricity. We have the ability to do so as well.

what we can do is hardly related to what we will do, or even what we SHOULD do.
Please for the love of god, tell me how this is relevant to our friendship??

We understand vibrations. How to trick material into thinking it is more than it is This is a subject you decided to go off from. I imagine to try and find how I think your poisonous.

my thoughts about what will happen to the world as time passes and society develops further has so little bearing on my individual interactions with people, it is mindboggling to me that you see it otherwise.
Yes of course I"m trying to figure out how you think I'm poisonous. because you WONT TELL ME

I think your more poisonous in a spiritual manner than most anything, but spirituality and daily functions are intertwined. And spirituality for me is nothing related to faith or religion. But you would have never of gone down that road, because it is absent from your mind.

Julien, I'm going to tell you something about yourself now, and I don't think you'll agree, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

I have open ears and how u perceive yourself is important for me to understand as I do understand you care about god and u have introspective thoughts, but I think these introspective thoughts stop at your physical brain, at your intellect.

I think the reason why you decided I was poisonous, when I started dating Emily, has very little to do with you thinking I am poisonous. I don't think that you really think that I am. You have no evidence that you are willing to present to me, and there is a good reason for that. I think you were embarrassed by your profound jealousy, embarrassed by your hypocrisy at being unwilling to let Emily date me, when you were the one who suggested it, and when you had already taken some of the fruits of an open relationship.

Ah! Lol, okay Mills, if you can't tell I really like you. I was not simply being jealous. Like an animal. There was far more to it.

I think this embarrassment caused you to rationalize your resentment, and you did it most of all by scapegoating me, by demonizing me. So you weren't against emily dating someone else, you were against emily specifically dating me, because mills is a toxic, spiritually bereft monster.

I was not embarrassed. I love humility and I take it with grace.
And you can think whatever you want about how I felt and functioned around your being with Emily.

and now that I'm interested in dating Amber, all of the same jealousy is emerging, and it has caused you to reinforce the original demonization, to remind yourself of all the reasons you came up with for Mills being awful and dangerous.

Mills, I will look at this, unbiasedly, within myself. I will find the answer again. Maybe a new one.

that is the most spiritual thing I've ever heard you say. Know thyself, my brother.
Wait, you really like me?! You're taking back what you said? Julien, if you're fucking with me I'm going to die. Your appreciation means more to me than I can say

Mills, I like your ability to assess things
But mills, I felt these ways about you before you and Emily started dating.

I know you felt this hostility towards my philsophy. That is why we always argued, but it didn't become proof that I was poisonous until I was taking something precious from you: emily.

You didn't take anything from me. I mean Let me rephrase

but part of you knows that i never wanted to take anything from you. Everything I had I wanted to share with you. You were always my brother, from the day I first talked to you.

You would not have taken anything from me had you of continued to encourage Emily's spiritual growth. I made my decision because u were taking something from me. You didnt have to take Emily, you could have continued to encourage her growth as a healthy and functional human being. And if this is something that you did I would have stayed around you two.

I never DIScouraged emily's spiritual growth. I left that encouraging to you.
it was unfair of you to demand that I follow the same path as you, even in the caring for someone you loved. It was your job to be resolute and encouraging.

I tried to be apart of your lives. I couldn't watch you destroy this beautiful person I had spent 2 years with developing and growing with It's not about the same path as me Just the same direction.

but you often weren't encouraging, you were often condemning and insistent. That was why emily ultimately rejected your attempts to enlighten her, because you weren't gentle enough.

And that's what this boils down to Health and Disease. Yes I wasn't perfect with Emily. I didn't treat her the best

dude, how did I destroy her? Just by not treating her as you would have? I did not destroy anyone, and I never have.

Every four days I would make sure her and I spent time alone No. I strongly believe u totally destroyed the beautiful Emily I was with. It has nothing to do with the way I would have treated her and you didn't. It ha s everything to do with the direction you were leading her in.

I don't travel in the opposite direction as you, y'know. I travel in a different direction. And not even about all things. We are similar in many ways.

Either way, before you got with her, I felt this way about you mills. This is a huge part of why I reacted the way I did. I admit, a lot of the way I reacted was out of animal instinct, but a lot was out of Emily's unawareness of you. Of what she was stepping into.

What makes you say I was leading her? I wasn't leading her. We were a balanced couple, each of us with our own mind and desires, neither of us controlling

Mills, maybe not the opposite, but as far as Emily is concerned, u sent we in an opposite direction.

No, you're rationalizing your fear of losing control over emily's mind, I'm afraid. Maybe you should think on it, as you said you would.

We are parting from one conversation. We are beginning to have two convos going her3

I never tried to control emily's mind, as you would have had me do. I did not destroy her. I let her be whatever she wished to become. If that thing was not the beautiful creature that you fostered, that is not my fault. It was her natural form.

I guess you could see it like that mills, it's more a matter of influence, and every thing Influences everything. I was not concerned about my specific influence over Emily, but where you are confused I was concerned about the influence in general Yes, natural forms.... Heh

I am always willing to talk to you in person. You need only say the word and I will come to you. That offer has been on the table for a couple weeks now, yo
Yeah I get it, I'm toxic so just being near her, having the thoughts I do, was enough to destroy her. I think that is a deeply harsh and unfair judgement.

Like a virus mills, humans were put here on this planet to make it stronger, by making it worse. It's time to heal.

I would be very interested to hear what she has to say on this matter.
hold up, did you just compliment me? You're saying my toxicity is a precursor to healing? That's it's valuable?!

No I wasn't complimenting you, I was saying you are obstructing the healing.

damn, it really sounded the other way. Anyway, I am not obstructing shit. You are the one who thinks it is a good idea to interfere in a person's mind.

To interfere?? There's a vast difference between interfering and integrating. Mills, the Earth and all of existence does not need to go back to source and become one again in order to be perfect. Perfection is spreading across the universe and we(the planet) are getting our dose of it now.

actually, no, there isn't. If you thoughts are different, and you wish to integrate with someone, that is an act of serious interference. Only integration with a like mind would be nonviolent, nondestructive.
I am excited about perfection spreading across the universe and the earth. I'm with you on that, man.

What is deatructive mills? Is giving someone advice destructive? Is telling someone not to move their hand or wrist in a certain way repeditively destr uctive??

but you don't want to integrate julien. That would mean changing to be the other just as much as they change to be you. You want to assimilate.

I will look up these definitions ^.^ Interfere, integrate, and assimilate.

what is destructive is purposefully using the power and influence that is given to you through another's love for you in order to change them to be more like what you think they should be like.
I never seek to do that. I never seek to change someone who loves me. That makes me neutral and you proactive. But that does not make us opposites.
and it certainly the fuck does not make me toxic.

What is deatructive mills? Is giving someone advice destructive? Is telling someone not to move their hand or wrist in a certain way repeditively destr uctive??

I'm as toxic as a mountain vista. Look upon it, and perhaps you'll be changed by the experience, but it is within YOU that this change happens, it is not the fault of the mountain.

So if I interfere in someone's work out by telling them to not kick their leg up to the side when they run, because it will hurt their knee joint. Is th at destructive? Do you never talk mills? Do you never voice an opinion? Ecause according to your definition, if I were to tell someone my opinion and give them advice I am being destructive. So my point is proven. Your lack of care about biological systems, our bacterial world, shows your unbalanced view on toxicity.

no that is not my definition. it is not destructive to voice your opinion, unless you possess the power to enforce the other's adoption of that opinion. It is about the use of power, not the use of your voice.
um your point isn't proven, and I still have no idea what you mean by my not caring about biological systems and our bacterial world. wtf.
nor is my view of toxicity unbalanced. I don't even know what that means either. What is an unbalanced view? And how is mine so?
what you meant to say is "wrong" because I disagree with you.

Dude, Emily and I were dating... She simply being around me is "enforcing the adoption." And I admit I was rather uncouncious while we were dating of how hard I pushed my values.

why is it that emily never mentioned any of this to me? When you were fighting with her to not be with me, why did she never tell me that you feared I would poison her? Instead she always just said you were being jealous, hostile and animalistic.

That's not for me to say, don't judge the validity of my statements.

No that is wrong, and is exactly why you fear my influence, because you don't understand that you can date someone and NOT assimilate them. I fostered the independent growth of everyone I've ever dated. I have never insisted or badgered that someone adopt any opinion or mentality.

yes of course you do just the validity of your and my statement and any you hear, you're just justifying what you consider a negative act with sophistry.
but it's not unethical to judge validity. In fact, it is a crucial act of the intelligent mind.

That's awesome mills, while I dates Emily I was quite unconscious of this topic.but this is not why I feared your influence.

oh I misread what you said, but my point stands for myself. I will judge the validity of your statements. It's absolutely necessary for me to do so.

I totally understand how to allow people to move at their own pace. Of course All I meant

you were wrong to fear it. I keep my influence in check. I give my love to people by cherishing what they are, not undoing it.

Was you do not need to judge te validity of what Emily and I expressed between eachother. The whole time I told her not to be with you first and foremos t ecause you would not help her. Mills... You are a fool to think you can date someone and not influence them. You really think you remove all your own opinion and leave them with reali

well that wasn't true. I helped her very very much, just not in the ways that you wanted her to be helped. And I'm sorry for that, but helping her in the way you wanted her to be helped was YOUR responsibility, not mine.

ty itself? No, not about the ways she can or can not be helped.

I think I influence those I date alot more than most, and certainly hugely less than someone like you, who TRIES to influence.

I wanted her to be helped. You didn't help

alot less than most, I meant.

I left Emily because the time se and I shared was being back petaled on by your ways of thought and reasoning

I helped, you should have helped in the way you wanted her to be helped. See how arrogant you are? That you believe only your way can be of help to someone?

I tried to stick around. If someone loves another Mills.. You misunderstand.

If that's true, it's only because it was her natural inclination to escape the patterns you set up for her. I freed her, I did not make her what I wanted her to be.

If u were helping I would've enjoyed to see the progress, Not consciously Oh mills, if someone loves another so deeply and they see their loved one do something, they will be interested

I know you tried to stick around, but you condemned her, and pushed her away. It was your fault. I was not toxic to her, I healed her.

Lol, think what you want. That's why you two are still such great friends right? Okay, tell yourself whatever u need I don't know if u and Emily even still talk...

what a mad scientist you sound like "all my beautiful work, undone by that villain" Your beautiful work of remolding a mind that should be free instead.


No, we don't right now, but I hope to change that soon. We had a very explosive ending.

Free It's really simple. I have already explained it I hope you understand, here's an arrow: Oh mills, if someone loves another so deeply and they see their loved one do something, they will be interested as well.

I only tell myself the truth. I don't want you to see me as a villain, and I sure as fuck don't want you to damage my reputation by expressing to others that I am toxic. I am not, and I wish I could make you see that. It is you that changes people, I do not.

Mills! We both change people Everyone has to be changing everything in order to live

but you TRY!

The food, the air, my skin all my cells are changing

no, one can live in harmony with the world and let everything flow around him.

It doesn't matter if I try or not

take only what is needed and only from where it will be replaced naturally.

The only thing that matters is if my changing is beneficial. That sounds really nice mills.

of course it matters! All of ethics is founded on intention. It's not what you do, it's what you intend to do, what you wish done, the attempt that you make.

The attempt. That's what we are talking about when it comes to how u think I try to change people The intention is what I'm talking about when it comes to you.

the problem with "if my changing is beneficial" is that you are so arrogant, you don't see any changes except your own as beneficial. That means, in your own view, you are the only one who is good, or someone just like you, and everyone else who makes any kind of change or influence, is evil. Like me. That's fucked up.
if you're talking about my intentions, then you should have well understood by now, that it is my INTENTION in dealing with those I have power over, to not change them, to appreciate them for their own merits, thoughts, and behaviors. Thus, the actual influence I have over them is their own choice to be influenced.

C'mon really? You think I believe the only beneficial changes are the ones I make? Lol Mills You and I both have an idea of what beneficial is If anyone made a suggestion that fell into the category of what I think is beneficial I would think as so. Same goes for you. Of course THere are ifs, ands, and buts.

no I don't think that you believe the only beneficial changes are the ones you make, but the ones you WOULD make, whereas other changes, apparently those that I am cool with, you think are poisonous.

And I admit I should not of said those things to Amber. But that's not what you only do.

thank you, julien. that means alot to me.

My suggestions are definitely not close to the best all the time. Sometimes I help with my informat I hope you see for yourself what affect you have. Sometimes I help with my information and a lot of the time someone else's remark hits the persons soul more deeply But in order to see the effect you have you must see some other things first.

are you trying to teach me the effect I have? because I am very interested.

Yes. Because I know if you could see where and how you are damaging people you would make the effort to change. I believe you care, but care gets lost when we have to reevaluate ourselves. We have to care differently So yea I guess you could say that, but not only the effect I think we just wrote a fuxking 100 page book. Lol

what else than the effect, do you mean my character itself? Julien, don't you know how deeply I care about seeing myself? Introspection has been at the forefront of my ethical system since I was a small child.

Maybe it was too infront and you never got to see its face.

I know what I am and what effect I have on people better than anyone I can think of. I believe that knowing those things is the only way to be a good person. and I care profoundly about being a good person.
it comes back to scapegoating. You never needed to worry over my influence. Instead, you were worried about your own influence waning. It was fear of loss: jealousy, that inspired you to decide I had a poisonous influence. So you could blame me for the loss instead of your love, or yourself.

When I speak of toxicity I come from a place of life. How bacteria and single-called organisms survive. What kills them, what makes them live.

I'm easy to blame, because I can handle it. And because so much of me is worthy of hostility. My arrogance, my antagonistic nature (both of which emily also has in droves y'know :P)
but I can't handle dislike from those I love. I can't handle you disliking me.

Mills, I'm going to say this blantently. I was jealous because of my learned animal behaviors growing up as a child. Jealously was not te root of the p roblem wen you and Emily started dating. I would have been joyous had I of felt you weren't toxic before you two started dating. This is not the root of the problem, my jealousy leading to my thinking behind your toxicity. I hope you understand and I hope you don't put these ideas into your discredit box. You should revise your determining box. When I speak of toxicity I come from a place of life. How bacteria and single-called organisms survive. What kills them, what makes them live. You can't handle dislike from those you love because that would require you to change. And let's face it mills, you are a god.

I disagree. Jealousy is the fear of losing something precious to you. You feared you were going to lose Emily's mind, her conditioning that you spend years on.
dislike doesn't require me to change, it requires me to grieve.
dude the discredit and determining box metaphor is way confusing to me.
anyway, you would have been joyous? I thought you said your learned animals behaviors were fucking with you as well. You think your joy would have blasted through that?
And you still haven't grasped that your evaluation of my toxicity is entirely the result of your fear of losing Emily's mind due to my influence.
I am not toxic because I disagree with you about things, I'm toxic because you've put those things into people you love's heads and my influence can banish them, to let them think whatever thoughts they want.
and you know man, I'm not very toxic at that. How much about the world do I really disagree with you on? We've been over it extensively in this conversation. I want the world to prosper and be beautiful and heal just as much as you do. The only thing I disagree with you about is that I have a personal responsibilty to effect that healing in my every day life.


but you know what, i care about effecting healing too. I just focus my healing unto people's hearts and minds. People everywhere have so much broken inside them, and I care tremendously about healing them.

I wish I didn't talk to u this morning/afternoon. You are fucking toxic. I hope something makes you see it You can't even touch in the bacteria topic I thought you were toxic u arrogant man before u and Emily got together. Get that through your thick skull.

goddamn it, man. You are crazy.

Has a good fucking life.

you haven't fucking explained the goddamn bacteria topic.
I won't have as good a life without you as I would with you. This conversation is beautiful and is exactly the reason I need you in my life.
nothing is going to make me see that I am toxic, because I am not. I wish for you to see THAT.

I see your toxicity.

you delude yourself of it.
I know this because you've been trying all day to explain your proof, and it is flimsy at best. My explanation is much better. You said you would think on that. I hope you do.

Ah yes! The discredit box. I knew I was going here before we even talked. See U now put the information I give u into a state of discredit.

yes I am "putting the information you give me into a state of discredit" or to not be a pretentious goofball, you could say I am "saying it is wrong".
I'm not discrediting you, I am dismissing a specific opinion that you have. I think you are a wonderful person, and your mind is worthy of my attention. However, your judgement of me is flat out fucking wrong. You have no good explanation, and I have an excellent line of reasoning for why you came to believe it.

Lol... Continue on your way mills. Have a good toxic life This is simple mills. Believe it or not. I strongly believe you are toxic. Beyond you and Emily getting together. Fucking hear me. This is what I think, this is what I have heard coming from you ever since we met. You don't have care for bacterial life.

obviously I will continue on my way, and of course I will have a good life. I have a wonderful life. But I am not toxic. I am also your friend and I don't understand why you are now, after all our conversation, dismissing me as though I am no longer.

If you would care to continue this conversation we should do it in person.

I am all about that, my friend.
where would you like me to meet you?

[Time passes...]

It seems to me that you've refined your opinion now so that it is only my "lack of care for bacterial life" that makes me toxic. So I suppose when you tell me what the hell that means, I will finally understand.
I hope it's not just that I eat yogurt. Cuz yogurt is awesome.

Lol, no... U don't teach to uphold the integrity of the current composition, because you think the current composition is so flawed.

the current composition of what?
and while it's true that I don't teach to uphold the integrity of anything except a person's personal morality, I doubt I think the current composition of "bacterial life" is flawed at all, much less "so flawed"

So! Well... I was talking about individual cells.

I don't teach to uphold the integrity of individual cells? of whom? Which individual cells? How can the integrity of individual cells be upheld?

Well, the way you carry out you life, which is for you to decide, shows me differently. And specifically I have heard you say with your own voice box how flawed nature is.

OH wait I think I might understand. Are you referring to people as cells of like a great human organism?

Of the Earth. All the individual cells of the Earth No. I'm not. I'm talking about each blood cell

No, I don't think that nature is flawed. You misunderstood me. I think that the result of what nature has created is yet imperfect. But I believe that the last step is for us to perfect ourselves with the greatest gift that evolution gave us: intelligence. With it we can analyze and improve and adapt ourselves to new environments infinitely faster than evolution does.
believing that any system is perfect is blind and a recipe for stagnation.
the universe has entropy and imperfection built it, to allow for the struggle, which allows for growth. All of nature flows from one extreme to the other, and leaves a wake of destruction and rebuilding as it passes.
is this not very similar to what you believe? "like a virus" destruction to make way for healing?

The next day I got a bunch of texts all at once, and they were all the fuck out of order and also it seems I just didn't get a bunch of them. I've reconstructed it as best as I can below:

It seems to us that nature destroys, but our life on Earth, since fungus and plants has been building. Dinosaurs seemed like a good evolution, but the universe decided upon a different form of life. For the Earth's second try at creating life i think it did pretty damn good.

I say what I have seen. I have known you for quite a while now mills and this opinion has formed since we met and foolish of you to think you know why better than I. I taught Emily to care and respect her body. You taught Emily her body was this thing she could treat however she wanted for wha...

...ubtle our monkey minds, (being conditioned the way they were by society), have a difficult time keeping focus on such subtlety. My argument seems flimsy at best because I am not leading you to all my conclusions and steps. This would be... Rather, destructive of your own learned behavior, much different than your true nature. Nonetheless, I am who I am and I am trying to lead you anyhow (a process you believe to be so destructive). Let me give you an eas....

... I felt as if you were crushing my spirituality. You would talk it down Mr. Hypocrite. You would tell me how stupid I was for believing that paying attention to the subtleties would get me anywhere. This is the part I wanted to get to for my example: I knew you had knowledge to teach me, as I wasn example. I am into meditation. I was into meditation while you and I lived together. While living with you, we exchanged ideas. When we exchanged id...

... 't strongly founded in my meditational design of life. It was difficult for me to continue believing in meditation and learn from you simultaneously. Mills, this really made me struggle with a lot of things I personally valued. I had to see what you had to teach, the way you had to teach it and continue on with my own beliefs. But you were proud if you would press my spirituality out of me, it made you proud to recruit another intelligent being into ur way of thinking. You should really think or for once try not thinking and feel and then mix your ability to feel with your intelligence, holding your intelligence back for it is stronger than your ability to feel, before you respond to this.

That is my experience. No argument or sequence of words or layering of sentences will get me to see it different. And this is where humans become gulli ble. We think words and thoughts are reality. Try feeling. Because we decide what to say based on the feeling we have. Which are infinite. Our thoughts are finite. In conclusion, to not stray from the topic, I have thought you were toxic for myself and THEN saw how you were toxic for others. In fact, I have never looked at someone like you and made such drastic labels for my protection. You causes me to look at people differently. I thought you were so cool, which you are close, and so in-tune with things until I got to know you better. And you wanna know something...? Josh, Christie, and Dan K. all warned me. They tried to tell me, but I thought you were so nice and caring. I was wrong, you are toxic. Dan K. told me, specifically, "not to move in with you if I still wanted to be YOUR friend." I was puzzled and said, "what do you mean Mills is pretty cool.". Dan responded, "when people move in with Mills they end up not being friends anymore." I was thrown off mills. In my head I fought for you, I told him , "Nah, it'll be straight I like mills enough i will be okay." I was thinking down upon josh Christie and Dan for insulting you like that. Already I was thinking of you to be the king you talk yourself up to be. But thinking down upon these people because I was ignorant I was foolish and gullible to fall into your play, scheme, act whatever you call it. These three not so smart seeming people tried to warn me. These people and people like them are just as smart as you and me. We all are. You are toxic.
If you care about the connection between us you will respond appropriately. This is not solely done for you, rather for all the people you will come in contact with. This time and energy I put into you now is done for the Earth and lastly done for you. You must make it for you, I don't do that for people or to people. And if some one thinks I do it for them, they are confusing me for their own epiphanies.

this Shit about Josh Christie and dank is straight bullshit. all three of them loved me like family and still do wherever they are. you are being smallminded and abusive because you feel threatened by me just like you did when i started dating Emily. i hope you grow past this. i miss the julien who isn't a raging jerk.

I am not lying to you
Mills you need to wake up
You are ridiculous
Please get out of my life right now
I open up to you and tell you 100% pure truth. And you tell me I am lying
You are unbelievable.
Fuck off. Goodbye
Until you realize I speak truth don't bother talking to me
You are a gullible fool like everyone else.

sure man I'm the crazy one. try showing this conversation to anyone in the fucking world.

You wanna know something?
I don't even talk to amber
I told amber I couldn't talk to her anymore
I don't even talk to her

you speak cruel nonsense.

Mills you make yourself sound nice
Good job
You fool everyone else

i am nice. and far above that i am not deluded.

Yes mills, you got it right
I am lying to make myself right

you're not lying to make yourself right. you're lying to hurt me. it is terribly sad.

You lost poor soul
Please now leave my presence.
Amber and I don't speak, as she still chooses to not talk to you.
Goodbye. I am not lying lol. You love dillusion u fucking idiot.
You fool people into thinking you are so nice

yeah sanity is good at fooling people.

Mills goodbye
Continue lying to yourself and thinking youre healthy

you said you were willing to hang out.
just tell me when.

Mills, this isn't a matter of me investigating people's opinions about you. This is matter of my opinion. When we lived together you would tell me how I was "stupid" to think bread is worse for you than fruit sugar. These debates we have had over the past years are not just about correct or incorrect information. This debate now is not about the proper information, it is about you finding your own flaws. As you did not touch on before, I wonder why, you have affected me in negative ways. I had to correct myself from the bullshit you lead my into thinking. I didn't eat your shit for too long, but I certainly had too many meals.
I dont care to hang out with you because I know how hard you are going to try and convince me, something you swear by never doing, mr. Hypocrite, that you are so marvelous. I will not think so until you show me differently. And if you think a little play is going to show me you are good il not your average retard.

No julien, you're an exemplary retard.

And there we go
You didn't respond to my original text in its entirety and you focused on some points and didn't touch on others.

okay I'm done grinding against your insanity. Good luck in your endeavors bro.

Thank you.
Are you telling me when I lived with you that you didn't tell me I was dumb and wrong?
Are you?
If you can't answer this question then please don't bother with my in sane nature.

I know I told you that you were dumb and wrong when we lived together. You were even dumber then.

Alright mills. Enjoy the rest of your short life. That was designed to hurt you. And it won't cause you are so unaware. The toxic thing actually hurt as I actually wasn't trying to.
Lol you are a funny creature. Smart people can make themselves see anything.

Actually it's mostly the stupid people who delude themselves. Smart people who bother to be introspective understand themselves and others quite clearly.
But you're getting smarter julien, that's the best thing about you. You are actually growing. I look forward to when you reach the precipice of "reasonable". it sucks that you're so arrogant that you don't acknowledge when someone who is actually smarter than you tells you that you're wrong. But that will fade.

Listen to you
So much better than me. I bow to you

these are true words, but you mean them facetiously, alas

I'm sure you have heard this before.
But you sound more like shit the more we talk

actually, you mispoke, I am not better than you. I am SMARTER than you. far far smarter. But not better. you have many strengths and alot of potential. I would treat us again as equals if you would stop treating me like an enemy. you called me a "poor lost soul" haha it is astonishing that you do not recognize your own arrogance. You are blind to yourself, that is the *worst* thing about you.

Mills, there is truth in you being toxic. But it's just juliens jealous arrogant idiotically insane opinion. Mills you really think your smarter than me? Wow... So unbalanced you are. Make yourself feel better dude. But I know I am much smarter than you in the more important areas of life and you are much smarter than me when it comes to remembering definitions. Problem solving, and day to day interactions I do much more efficiently than you.
If my experience and everyone's experience and everyone's opinion isn't proof enough for you, then you are correct you should be a robot.
Until next time buddy.
Like most Americans, you are dillusioned by image and presentation. You forget function and purpose.
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