the finest mofo this side of the west side (vicariance) wrote,
the finest mofo this side of the west side

Some early morning birthday thoughts.

My effect on people is more polarizing than it has ever been. I have many friends who adore me, and my ability to love and receive love from them has never been greater. But I have so many who view me with disdain, or even fear, despite having no intentions to inflict harm, and every intention to fulfill those I know as much and as often as I can. There are many who pity me, even, despite the fact that I feel like I have a greater ability to appreciate life than almost anyone I have ever heard of. I have felt myself comparable to Krishna in the garden of Vrindavan, dancing, loving and feeling all the joy the world has ever known. Yet many judge me as being lost. I have caused loved ones to lose their loved ones for simply associating with me. As though I carry a disease of the mind that association will naturally, eventually pass on. Many refuse to forgive me for past mistakes. Some even believe that my mistakes were acts of brutality that stain me permanently as someone dangerous and destructive. I wish I could stop their fears, and gain their respect with my love and my understanding, and to share with them the advantages I have gained from the lessons salvaged from the disasters I have wrought. For all the worry that my tendency to embrace chaos gives rise to, I am still often bound by fear. My dream is to be unbound by fear, but to have learned enough about danger, and gradually enough to survive intact, that my intelligence will guide me away and guide those I love away from harm, without the need for heavy guardian shackles. I'm working on it, and I have had much more success than most tend to believe. But even if I don't get there, and even if my troubles multiplied a hundred times over, I would still love every moment of my life. And even if I lost it, which I do not plan to do (EVER), I have already lived far more than most. And each day that I wake, I praise and I give thanks.

Tags: gravitas
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